Warning: Overly sentimental bullcrap ahead

I started writing about this one twitter, but I figured, I’m already rambling in more than 140 words, might as well make full entry about this.

Love.

You hear all the clichés, that it is a many splendoured thing. That it is the greatest joy and the greatest pain. In the heart of it, love is about finding, not someone to live with, but someone you cannot live without. People may say “I love you.”, then find out later that yes, you can bear to live without the person. We are only human, we make mistakes.

No, this is not an April Fool’s post, everything written below is heartfelt. Disregard the date.

Twenty Eleven

In a few hours, it will be 2012. I would have been alive on this little blue planet for 24 years and 8 months.

Where did the year go? So many things had happened – new things were experienced, and these were the lessons that made me grow as a person. Michael, John… again, showed me what I really wanted, and how I would not stand by idly, allowing how I was treated by a rollercoaster of a boy to treat me, how I had realised I did not want to hold the hands and show someone how they are supposed to be in a relationship. I did not want to be the one wearing the pants, making the decisions, I did not want to be the door mat, the girl who waited, the one strung along. These things weren’t much, but I had over come them and grown as a person. And its because of these, these are the things that connected me to Mika, and despite the heartache, I am grateful.

There was drama of course, not directly involving me, but it still allowed me to help my friends, and because I was also there for them, we were able to smooth things out. Toxins were purged, and much like cutting off the dead leaves on a plant, this allowed the bush to flourish and bloom, and this allowed some friends to show their true blossoms and selves. And I am grateful that I was there to witness it.

The New Year also heralds the end of things – some friendships because I had gotten tired of how they were acting, of the employment I had at CSBA, 2 and a half years filled with learning experiences and memories. They had given a lot in allowing me to grow as an employee, and for that, I am grateful.

Whats a new year to me?

Another start, another day, what makes it different? Why wait until the new year ticks over to make a change? This is sort of the reason why I do not make resolutions. If you want something to change, why wait until its the start of the new year if it is something you want to change? If you want change, you do so immediately – don’t wait, why wait?

The closest thing to a New Years resolution I have is that I’d paint more in 2012, but despite that, I had already started to paint more anyway. So why wait if you can make the change now?

Moving Out

I’d been thinking.

I do would like a place I can kind of say, ‘I live here.’ but not say that I’m still living under my parent’s roof. The thing is, I wouldn’t know where to start. Well, I do, but I’m paralyzed because I don’t have anyone holding my hand. I can’t help it, its how I am.

If its a process that people have done so before me, I’d like someone to hold my hand, to show me how its done.

I feel like such an idiot, so naive, so sheltered that I can’t do this on my own. I suppose everyone has to take baby steps, but I’m kind of embarrassed of how this is for me. Sure, there are upsides of having a safety net there, but there are things that do frustrate me, the constant head butting. No doubt the frustration will never really go away, as evidenced by my mother calling me at 6 am while I was living in a dorm in Bangkok for a year, to make sure that I was sleeping in my own bed.

Thus far…

Life’s been looking up.

I’m fairly happy with how things are going – a couple years back, I went to a deviantArt meet with the melbournites dA group, and met several people who would later become a good part of my life.

This is a stupid question, I know. But ever wish you could have done something different? If you had taken the other path instead of the one you took? Its frustrating, irritating, and… I sometimes wish I was like Jamie Maddrox, Multiple Man. Able to take all different paths of life and experience them all.

But then again, I would probably get jealous of my dupes or something…

Urgh.

I’m not making sense.

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